Mists from the Deeps

     In the night, in the darkness, in the loneliest watch
           heart freezes
           soul cries out
           being shudders

     No answers on offer

     And yet . . . from despair, if I answer yes
           to loss
           to fear
           to death
     Yield assent without limit
     Assent, because all other answers lie barren

     Like earliest dawn, which seeps into the night sky so subtly
           my heart lightens
           a sense of possibility mists from the deeps
           some answer, unspoken, arrives

     Fragile and delicate, surrender to it, do not reach
           this succor may be accepted
           never taken
           new life in the bud

This poem and the accompanying photo appear in my new upcoming release, Journey into Grief.

For more excerpts from the book, see:
Cold Rage
Blessed Radiance
Futile Seeking
Risen

 

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Daylight Shines

           The sky is so blue and friendly
           almost as though it is her smile
           or maybe her laugh
           or both

           I have no sense of its infinite possibility
           ceding to the blackness of outer space
           going on and on past the moon
           past Mars

           No, this sky is immediate, personal
           happy like a baby blanket
           comforting like Mother
           and mine

           I am shielded, illuminated, protected
           under its canopy of brightness
           so long as daylight shines
           safe

This poem and the accompanying photo appear in my new upcoming release, Journey into Grief.

For more excerpts from the book, see:
Missing Her
No Beauty
Exiled
Despair

 

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New Release Coming!

As I said in last week’s post, this book is different from my usual offerings.

I write fantasy, and all of my titles to date have been fiction in that genre. But my new book is memoir, mixed media in the sense that it combines narrative with poetry and photographs. I’m really pleased with how the project has come together, and I suspect I will be creating more such projects.

I haven’t abandoned fantasy, however. Those of you who are fans of my fantasy need not worry. Fantasy is in my very bones, and I intend to write it for as long as I can string words together.

I don’t have a release date yet for the new book, but here is the opening for it.

My Invitation to You

Come with me.

Come take a journey with me.

It is not an easy journey. In fact, it begins in the darkest of all places, the shadow of the valley of death.

So, why should you come, when the beginning is so dark?

Because the journey does not end there.

You have probably already been to the dark place. Someone you love died. Or some piece of yourself that is essential died in you. Someone betrayed you. Someone abandoned you. Or maybe you abandoned you.

There are as many ways to descend into darkness, or be claimed by it, as there are mortals walking this green earth.

But why should you come with me?

And why should you come now?

Because there was something about this book—its cover, its title, its description, or perhaps something unquantifiable—that attracted you, that spoke to you. Some still, small voice within you called or whispered or summoned you.

Come. Come!

Is this a self-help book with questions and exercises and points made?

No. It isn’t.

It’s a sharing of my own journey into grief, the heartbreaking moment of loss, the dark descent, the ocean breakers of feeling, the uneven rise from the depths, the glimpses of light, the instances of relief, and the slow, sure gathering of strength and new life.

So why would you want to experience this?

Because you’ve already been through it yourself. Or because you’re in the middle of such a journey of your own. Or because you fear the journey into grief that lies in your future.

When we take such journeys, we humans, the one thing that enables us to bear up under the weight and the challenge of it is knowing that we are not alone.

We may be alone at the time of our traveling along the dark path.

We may be alone in the specific details of our sojourn.

But we are not alone in our experience of loss and grief.

So come with me.

Come with me, that I may not be alone.

Come with me, that you may not be alone.

Let us move through the darkness together, and emerge again into new life, new life that has grown from the seeds that could sprout only in the deeps.

Our journey will be hard, but amazing. And our emergence will be more amazing still.

Come!

I invite you.

For more excerpts from Journey into Grief, see:
Grief
Mourning
One Crossing
Upwelling

 

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I See Her in Nature

          The sky is so blue and friendly
          almost as though it is her smile
          or maybe her laugh
          or both

          I have no sense of its infinite possibility
          ceding to the blackness of outer space
          going on and on past the moon
          past Mars

          No, this sky is immediate, personal
          happy like a baby blanket
          comforting like Mother
          and mine

          I am shielded, illuminated, protected
          under its canopy of brightness
          so long as daylight shines
          safe

In memory of my mother:
Futile Seeking
Gusty and Fresh
Risen
In Memoriam
Bright Radiance
Grievous Loss

 

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Risen

Easter was my favorite holiday when I was a child
Somehow it was always sunny, the warm rays
          of the daystar shining in through the panes
          of the living room windows
          gleaming on the polished hardwood floor
          brightening the paneling around the hearth
          warming the space, like a nest might be warm
          and shining through the colored cellophane of the baskets
          casting a glow of pink or green or yellow
          wherever the light fell

I felt safe and happy

Today’s living room, that of my adulthood
          holds the same promise
          sunlight flooding through the many square panes
          of the three windows
          making rectangles of bright squares on the oak floorboards
          shining through the suncatchers crafted by my daughter
          scattering patches of crimson, royal blue, and emerald green
          wherever the light slants
          warming the space, like a nest might be warm

I should have wanted to come in from the cold

In other seasons, the warm quietude would nourish me
          but in the season of my mother’s death
          I feel the weight of grief whenever it is still
          the bright quiet stillness of refuge
          should have her presence in it
          does have her presence in it
          and yet she is gone, most grievously gone
          I can only miss her and miss her and know that she is gone
          as I rest in the warm quietude of my room

No wonder I long for the brisk busyness
          of the bright and cold and windy day outside
          she is present in the wind and the bother
          the way she always was, ready to go and be and do
          seek adventures, make new friends, savor new experiences
          she is not gone in the great outdoors
          but meets me at very corner
          in the very slap of each gust of wind
          resurrected within the hustle and bustle
          my mother who was so thoughtful
          but who loved to laugh and climb the heights

There in her milieu—lively and brisk and warmly bright
          all at the same time—I greet her

In memory of my mother:
Futile Seeking
Gusty and Fresh
I See Her in Nature
In Memoriam
Bright Radiance
Grievous Loss

 

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Gusty and Fresh

Gusty and fresh and filled with sun
The air carries a sense of happy busyness
          getting things done
          meeting newness at every turn
          finding joy in unexpected corners

I could stay out in it forever
          rejoicing in the changeable breeze on my cheek
          squinting against the brightness
          sniffing the clean, cold aroma of winter

The wind’s energy fills me up
          prompting me to go out and explore
          to seek adventure, to make a new friend
          and to trust that life will bring me its best

But the cold nips my fingers now
          pinching them cruelly
          and the wind has whipped tears from my eyes
          which freeze on the delicate skin below my lashes

I resist the retreat indoors where
          in the stillness I must confront what I’ve forgotten
          feel the loss and grieve it
          with no bright, busy wind to distract me

In memory of my mother:
Futile Seeking
Risen
I See Her in Nature
In Memoriam
Bright Radiance
Grievous Loss

 

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Futile Seeking

No matter where you might be, I will find you

If I could search the right telephone book
          I’d find your number
And when I called I’d ask for Dad to put you on
          we’d talk and talk, and I’d know you were there

If I could buy the right train ticket
          I’d board that train
And when I arrived you’d be on the platform waiting
          we’d hug and hug, and I’d know you were here

If I could look in the right places
If I could speak the right language
If I could do the impossible
          I’d find you
And then we’d be together again
          mother and daughter
          friend and friend
          you and me

How can you be gone?
You were too real to ever die
Surely I can find you somewhere
          and yet I don’t
You have gone, truly gone, and I can’t fathom it
          oh, Mother, come back
          I need you
          come back

Even beyond death, I still seek you

In memory of my mother:
Gusty and Fresh
Risen
I See Her in Nature
In Memoriam
Bright Radiance
Grievous Loss

 

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Bright Radiance

The icicle glistens in the sun, liquidity given sculptural form
          yet melting in the light’s warmth
The dripping water taps the porch floor
          like a heartbeat
Regular, reassuring
          All is well
          All is well

I sit in a pool of calm stillness
          at peace for a spell
The sun’s brightness cheers me
Its warmth soothes me
Pervasive brilliance cradling me
          All is well
          I am safe

Even the snow, hateful a moment ago, now upholds me
          receiving the sunlight and spreading it
          everywhere, from horizon to horizon
The whole earth is bright, bright
          with the sun’s radiance

So I rest . . . for now
          upheld by brilliance below
          nourished by brilliance above
          there is only light

Light blazes all round me
          light so strong that in its
          cradling of me, it enters into me
          and shines the darkness away

          Blessed be
          All is well

In memory of my mother:
No Beauty
Exiled
Despair
Cold Rage
Beauty in the Close
Grievous Loss

 

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Cold Rage

          The sky is a hard blue
          I love this shade of blue
                    Usually I love it
                    so bright, so fierce, so definite
                    But today it makes me angry

          The snow is so white, so bright
          I love the fallen snow on a winter’s day
          The light it radiates, reflects, amplifies
                    Usually I love it
                    but today I see its coldness
                    unfriendly, frozen-edged, cutting
                    Today I hate it

          Or, no, I don’t hate it
          I just hate everything

          Hate the medical bills, the unrepaired house
                    the feebleness of my body, my beloved child’s disability
                    unrelenting responsibility, the impossibility of it all
          Hate all of it
          Hate it

          The bright sky over the crusting snow
                    shouts my hatred
                    like an angel of hell
                    like a brazen trumpet

          Or else mocks it
                    mocks me

In memory of my mother:
No Beauty
Exiled
Despair
Bright Radiance
Beauty in the Close
Grievous Loss

 

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Despair

 
The oak is old, gray, and gaunt
No leaves grace his spreading limbs
The sky glows through his framed spaces
      but its light lacks force enough to regenerate him
Anchored in age alone, the patriarch presides

At his side, a maple garbs herself in dress of gold
She is younger, but not young
The dull splendor of her leaves inspires courtesy
      but their beauty presages her withering
Poised on the cusp of decline, the matriarch glances back

Nature goes down to death for rebirth
The cold, dark entombs her in frozen earth for only a season
Spring’s strengthening sun will raise her from the deeps
      but change the maple and the oak for a human daughter and her father
Facing only loss, they grieve

In latening autumn, they stand, they two
      lost to hope
      lost to warmth
      lost

 
 
In memory of my mother:
No Beauty
Exiled
Cold Rage
Bright Radiance
Beauty in the Close
Grievous Loss

 

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